God of Biscuits

• Why do I keep forgetting how awesome Tom Khar Gai from http://www.padthaisf.com is? sooooo good. #
• This made my day: http://lonelysandwich.com/post/420825330/iphoneappreview-shakedown (via @gruber) #
• Gay men have had this forever // 2010 is the year Friends With Benefits becomes Friends With Public Options, I just know it. (via @rstevens) #
• @eharris Welcome to the City. in reply to eharris #
• @theiphonereview so is it true that you guys charge us iPhone developers to review our apps? #
• @txtAgif oooh, i'm more than skeptical. never *ever* pay for one. the conflict of interest alone… in reply to txtAgif #
• Bart Stupak is as much of a douchebag as Bunning, he just hasn't had his day in the sun yet. #
• #devilcelebs Ardra Lindley Any super-nerds get this one? (besides @wilw #
• so anyone with a beard is a bear? /// Hot bear cameraman. #march4 http://yfrog.com/edmr6j (via @gideonse) #
• If he were skinny, smooth, u would have said "twink cameraman"? /// He was big/chubby & I wished, gay. That tends be a bear. (via @gideonse) #
• Bart Stupak's willing to kill health reform, potentially killing untold thousands of human beings. Why? Abortion language. O Sweet Irony. #
• That reference is fishier than The Amazing Mr. Limpet /// My back and neck have more knots than the Apple Dumpling Gang (via @jaketapper) #
• 3 great events on my birthday: Microsoft declared monopoly, iPad ships, and I *became*. #
• LOL // @jsnell []still feels like a suburb.Y'know, if u called the area between SF & Portland a city,it'd be big, too. (via @danielpunkass) #
• @danielpunkass other burby cities: Chicagoland to me: all suburb, they just start stacking things on top of one another as u near the Lake. in reply to danielpunkass #
• (I'm going to catch hell from my Chicago friends for that last one) #
• right way is over-top, right? Cuz from-under is just bad UI.///SHE's the one who can't load the toilet paper the right way up. (via @Clarko) #
• The….ball…is…blu-eee? #
• Tom Ford should be in front of the camera as much as possible. #oscars #
• OMG the iPad is "just a giant iPhone"! NOT. #
• Why sit in the bleachers, timid and afraid? John Travolta you look like the whole parade! #oscars #ednaturnblad #
• He wasn't back, it was the twin! /// Ah!! He's back!! A GHOST! (via @hodgman) #
• Snark:Google does!///Need twitter help. Who has one the most oscars? Has to be a technical sound guy or somethin. Help? (via @shameheadboy) #
• Whoa! How can there be double-digit unemployment with all the work that Demi Moore has had done? #oscars #
• If u knew the tech, you wouldn't say this.// […] photographing a green screen ain't cinematography. Fuck "Avatar." #oscars (via @gideonse) #
• Yay! Pixar! #oscars #
• Bradley Cooper & Gerard Butler #oscars #Tuxedorgasm #
• Hey Pixar guy: good for you! The one thing my mom always said to me—and still does: you can to anything you can put your mind to. #oscars #
• @gideonse Then you should exclude any cinematographer whose work has been modified in post-production for exactly the same reasons. in reply to gideonse #
• Who are the cute guys in the balcony they keep showing? #
• My 1973 Chevy Caprice Classic Convertible had a Body by Fischer /// I ate dinner next to Fischer Stevens at Elmo. #truestory (via @JoeMyGod) #
• Every time they mention Tarantino I keep expecting Rachel Maddow to jump out and start talking about a broken Senate #oscars #rachelmaddow #
• @gideonse Peanut Butter and Fishberry Jam Sandwiches in your bag lunches to take to school tomorrow? in reply to gideonse #
• Colin Firth is one of the dreamiest men ever. #oscars #
• Love love love Sandra Bullock's speech. Let the haters hate. #oscars #
• I've always loved Sandra Bullock. I own an embarrassing number of her movies. #oscars Ironically, I didn't see The Blind Side yet. #
• @gideonse anti-shaving, open relationship, over-weight…MoNique is a Bear!!!!! in reply to gideonse #
• At the very least, there's finally a Bear Drag Name: HoMo'nique. #

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• ♫♫ Why sit in the bleachers, timid and afraid, when Edna you look like the whole parade? ♫♫ #
• The Republican Party: A whole lot of ugly coming from a never-ending parade of stupid. #
• @mattalber "kicks MASS"? Oh no you dittent! in reply to mattalber #
• Their gay male best friensds? /// What do you like better, girls with glasses or girls with glasses? (via @rstevens) #
• "Pete's new fav word is insoucient." my new fav NPR word: "Insoucient".. Can u use THAT in a sentence before looking it up.(via @SwimFinsSF) #
• @bynkii I did that for Petey. On purpose. in reply to bynkii #
• @bynkii a soupçon of insouciance in your general direction! in reply to bynkii #
• EXFOLIATE! EXFOLIATE!///Did I really just spend 10 min in the shower doing Dalek impersonations because of the tile acoustics?(via @nerdist) #
• Maddow has @ggreenwald on tonight! I may pass out from all the hot, gay brainy goodness.Again. Seriously, I <3 a world where TV is like this in reply to ggreenwald #
• DId anyone see Anthony Wiener on the House floor today? "The Republican Party is a wholy owned subsidiary of the Health Insurance Industry!" #
• @ggreenwald I sincerely hope this is good news for you and your partner?!? http://bit.ly/a9Itn3 in reply to ggreenwald #
• Just got most humbling compliment ever. Was from one of my oldest friends: that @StephenFry reminded him of me, "brilliant & funny as hell". #
• In all strange, coincident, concomitant fairness, Steven Fry has always reminded me of Dale, but I never told him that until now. #
• Agreed. But he should remain choosy! /// I think @CraigyFerg should do an aud-free show / week. Get the moral philosopher on! (via @rlepage) #
• They're in HD there, too. //BBC America has decided to air new "Doctor Who" episodes two full weeks after they air in the UK. (via @jsnell) #
• This guy is in the first episode of Series 5 Doctor Who. http://bit.ly/9ZXD5i #
• @jsnell You'd think Comcast in the City (San Francisco) would carry BBCA HD, wouldn't ya. in reply to jsnell #
• @jsnell But agreed, the new Doctor Who…can't wait! It's gonna be….torrential! in reply to jsnell #
• @GarudaSky dont' know….just thought to check today to see when the new series was starting…which is March 13 (Easter) in reply to GarudaSky #
• @Clarko re:bedazzled Dont' know, but can see the reviews: "taint that purty!" in reply to Clarko #
• Made Jello Chocky Pudding. Cook&Serve. 2%Milk? Hellzno: 2:1 HEAVY WHP CREAM to whole milk. didn't rly boil cuz it already set up in the pan. #
• Even found Pyrex ramekins w/scalloped edges just like mom had, cept we called them pudding dishes. "Ramekin" is a grown up (i.e., gay) word #

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• @jakemarsh [self dealloc] was good enough for your grandfather, it should be good enough for you! in reply to jakemarsh #
• @heathr Happy Birthday, Heather! in reply to heathr #
• I just realized who former Senator Chris Dodd reminds me of! Dominar Rygel from Farscape! #
• @danielpunkass agreed on Mercurial vs git! just started with hg, had to use git on last proj. hg is so much nicer in lots of ways in reply to danielpunkass #
• @danielpunkass e.g., you set mergetool in git by telling git to use 'opendiff'. hg automatically uses FileMerge.app if it's on Mac OS X in reply to danielpunkass #
• @godofbiscuits BTW 'opendiff' in git means use 'FileMerge.app'. #intuitiveFAIL in reply to godofbiscuits #
• @DougMcBride i'll grant you that, partially. hg has quality defaults for everything so far. git has crap ones. in reply to DougMcBride #
• @johnaugust if that pen wasn't 'felt' before, it is now. #
• Just finished watching "NY, I Love You" on Netflix streaming…in HD. http://bit.ly/Uq7sF Bradley Cooper "loving" in HD. Yowza. #
• Have YOU cuddled your NSString methods today? /// […]string manipulation in raw C is made of LOSE and FAIL. (via @eschaton) #
• Stephen's so lazy. He wasn't at the births of any of our kids. He couldn't even be bothered to be at the conceptions. (via @MrsStephenFry) #
• God I hate Gay Bears & Chuck Rudd is a beartard. http://bit.ly/d9Jxzh Your God of Biscuits: proudly a sissy whenever he damned well pleases #

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• Mary Eliz Williams from salon.com has best comment on FocusOnFamily Superbowl ad: "Weirdest eHarmony ad ever." LOL #superbowlads #sb64 #
• @Clarko tease in reply to Clarko #
• The big fruit company's final F-U: the "thanks for a great job" copy of Aper. I got as a team member does not qualify for upgrade pricing! #
• I swear to god the dryer's lint trap meowed when I went to clean it. Jiminy. #
• I have a total man crush on a straight guy. Worse! He's….omg….CANADIAN. #
• @NathanFillion Holy crap, Nathan Fillion's new twitter pic is especially awesome #nathanfillion NOTE: not related to last tweet. in reply to NathanFillion #
• Tho, turns out, Nathan Fillion is actually…..CANADIAN. Who knew? IMDB, that's who. IMDB knows all………………… #
• @groovymystery BEAUTIFUL typo: disgnosis. dis-gnosis: opposite of knowledge of spiritual mysteries. brought on by VD & chocolates? in reply to groovymystery #
• @groovymystery at least a "CoolDude with a Goatee(plus beard)" made you laugh. It's not broad spectrum antibiotics, but it's something. in reply to groovymystery #
• You have that effect on people, but only when it's on purpose. I admire that. /// I think I burned away part of jessica's soul (via @bynkii) #
• i have one app on the store: Tree To Go. for ancestry.com did it as a contractor. also wrote Ofoto Express (a Mac app) for Ofoto/Kodak #

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• Stand by what I said: Allowing homosexuals to serve openly is the right thing to do. Comes down to integrity. (via @thejointstaff) #
• Re: Lost…..it all ends up with Bobby Ewing stepping out of the shower pulling his giant lever. #
• #fakelostspoilers Season Finale doubles as Pilot for Sequel: Found #
• #fakelostspoilers The Island isn't an Island and actually moves through space and time. Oh, wait. -rolls eyes- #
• I had this nightmare that Avatar was nominated for Best Screenplay. #
• Yellow Submarine #1stdraftbeatles #
• @ctp I switched to the smaller keyboards a long time ago for ergo reasons, not BT. Smaller keyboard means not reaching out so far to mouse. in reply to ctp #
• @tewha I use the mouse a LOT more than the arrow keys. and I'm used to the MacBook Pro keyboard already anyway. in reply to tewha #
• @tewha go with the wired one if you're going to be carrying it in a backpack. or, ironically, if you're not. in reply to tewha #
• @tewha yep. i have the small wired keyboard and the magic mouse. tho prior to magic mouse I had the wired mighty mouse. in reply to tewha #
• Bromance from Budweiser thru interspecies allusion. #superbowlads #sb64 #
• Just tuned into the game. R00ting w00ting for Saints. Just cuz. #superbowl #sb64 #
• Getting caught up on superbowl ads on youtube between realtime ads during the actual superbowl. #brandbowl Go Saints! #
• Oh Cheap Trick, at least your fall is using regenerative braking… #superbowl #superbowlads #
• it's all over it's all over it's all over it's all over it's all over it's all over it's all over it's all over it's all over it's all over #
• and now the effects of 200 million toilets flushing all at once…. #
• never. using. godaddy. again. EVAR. #brandbowl #superbowlads #sb64 #
• Sure there are: FUCK YEAH, NOLA! /// There are no words. (via @jonnodotcom) #
• Is Phil Simms having NOLA Tourette's? #
• I would have given Bill Cower beads to show his tits. Have I said too much? #sb64 #
• @danielpunkass To start with, the advertising would treat women like human beings, treat men like adults and acknowledge that gay men exist. in reply to danielpunkass #
• @danielpunkass i must have missed that one. but wow. naked woman in a bubble bath making gay men slap each other. that's PROGRESS. in reply to danielpunkass #
• @danielpunkass I think I might drive over to the Castro to the 440 just to slap a man just at the idea of a naked woman in a bubble bath. in reply to danielpunkass #

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• "Archer" on FX. How in the HELL do they get away with what they get away with? Jesus Christ is a funny-ass show. #
• New Apple Tablet device: funnel for all (former-)print media, even though all content will be open format. #
• I was just Dalai "Lama Lolled" /// Apple Tablet? http://dznr.org/9u0r (via @niclas) (via @SteveStreza) #
• I don't follow /// (i'm talking to you @ACORN_Nat !) #TwitterSchadenfreude (via @jaketapper) #
• The Apple Store is NOT down. That's telling. #
• their iBooks application is STUNNING #
• @johnhat only in the sense that a netbook is a mini notebook. which is only true along one vector. in reply to johnhat #
• My price prediction, post-intro of iWork: $899 #
• wow! bluetooth keyboard support! #
• Keynote, Pages & Numbers are each going to be $9.99 on the App Store. Crazy. #
• So iLife and iWork are effectively on the iPad. And then some. (Brushes + iBooks) #
• $29 for unlimited 3G + at&t wifi, which means that at&t is only partially subsidizing the device. So i'm sticking to $899 #
• drumroll…. #
• $$$$$$$$$$$$$$…… #
• HOLY FUCK. $499 #
• ohhh, so a 64GB iPad with 3G is $829 #
• Everyone with an iPhone should look at their bills and see exactly how much data they consume every month. #
• So that looks like an iPad-specific keyboard. #
• As both a developer and a user, i'm v.v.v.V. happy with today's announcments. My Next Big Idea can now move forward! #
• They should have called it LCARS #
• You're terrible, Muriel. 'Cept I'm watching the vid & thot same thing 2 secs ago /// Whao, Phil needs to see a dermatologist (via @gedeon) #
• After not getting G-Wave, & FB being a UI nightmare, i just revisited tunein.com …Nifty! It looks like I built it. http://bit.ly/d57lFC #
• Gonna set tunein.com as my home page after years of having Safari default to an empty page for all new windows. #
• Sorry, @tunein is where it's all at. #
• The f*cking Republicans can't even stand up for tax cuts? #
• Ooh Ooh Ooh Me Me Me! /// One question. Who wants an iPad as badly as I do? (via @ebhanson) #
• John Boehner is glowing! He needs to lay off the orange paint. #
• Woo hoo! Obama calls for repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell! #
• @mdhughes They usually post the videos to the Apple Keynotes Podcast on the iTunes Store in reply to mdhughes #
• Apple Stores will save the day. /// Sounds like word on the street is most consumers won't buy an iPad at first blush. […](via @ryan) #
• @bynkii @rlepage just my 2c as a software dev, 1 of the hardest things is the ∆ betw. giving users what they want & showing them what's poss in reply to bynkii #
• @bynkii Yeah….and what was it that finally killed Active X as the dominant web technology? Everyone thought that was just going to be "It" in reply to bynkii #
• @SteveStreza what size MBP are you using? in reply to SteveStreza #
• Just watching the video of today's Apple announcement now. Steve Jobs looks wonderful and that makes me very, very happy. #
• @SteveStreza yeah, the iPadSimulator took up a "sizeable" chunk of a 30" display. in reply to SteveStreza #
• Yes. Perhaps a stream of ongoing contracts #
• @eddieizzard Your "Dress to Kill" show was a watershed event for me. I hate sounding like a fanboy, but it's true. in reply to eddieizzard #
• @Clarko "youse guys"? Are you from PA? in reply to Clarko #
• RE: @michaelcarrano In the simplest form, a human body is a point moving through space. What's your point?

  Ask your… http://disq.us/a58fx #

• My favorite iPad app so far is the hyperbole-hate generator. #
• @danielpunkass wow. you're old. in reply to danielpunkass #
• The Apple Event is up on the iTunes Store as a Podcast. Video Quality is much higher. #
• And I'll say it again: It makes me SO happy that Steve Jobs looks like he's doing so well! Very happy for him and his family. #
• @tewha I actually think he just sounds different. Probably meds, though I hate speculation like this. Definitely better tho, than before. in reply to tewha #
• I'm still not sure how a backlit bookreader is gonna work. eInk is still far superior #iPad #

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• @wilshipley typing with one hand while watching Christina Hendricks? in reply to wilshipley #
• U R PURE EVIL /// Apple hasn't had a new "Get a Mac" ad since October 23, "Broken Promises"[…]THE EVENT IS FOR A NEW AD! via(@mdhughes) #
• Blood, sweat, tears, App! http://bit.ly/6MFTbh #
• Martha Coakley, yes, your supporters poured their hearts & souls into the campaign. Too bad YOU didn't. #
• Martha Coakley CONCEDED THE ELECTION AND CALLED BROWN BEFORE THE ELECTION HAD BEEN OFFICIALLY CALLED. #
• Is Scott Brown really whoring his daughters out right now? #
• Naah, the beard should go. //// Mad about Mad Man Jon Hamm and his rugged beard looks. Grrr! http://twitpic.com/yvuvw (via @GarudaSky) #
• From AppleInsider: As Apple tablet looms, Amazon Kindle adopts App Store revenue split http://bit.ly/6WQZq0 #
• I just got up to 47,862 in #DoodleJump!!! Beat that! http://itunes.com/app/DoodleJump #
• Dear Mr. President, With respects, you're a FUCKING executive now, not a legislator. ACT LIKE ONE. And in case your math is weak: 41 < 59. #
• Amazon, afraid of new suitors, stops raping its girlfriends. #kindle #appletablet #
• Apple sees tablet as shared household device? I don't see it, unless it's $3000. They sell MacBook Pros at $1700 and they're not "shareable" #
• @chrisafer "Blink" was 1 of the best Dr Who's EVAR. Now the franchise is in charge of that (and so many other great) episode's writer. in reply to chrisafer #
• As is "sartorial" /// Also, "pants" in the non-sartorial usage is a really under-appreciated word (via @bynkii) #
• And businesses are not people! /// Money is not speech. (via @gideonse) #
• When is @fivethirtyeight going to start building his own announcements of into his own models? Seriously, he's starting to game himself. #
• Yay! Just found out that one of my very best friends from HS, Perri, will be in SF next month! I haven't seen her in almost 20 years! Yay! #
• Finally! Gay softcore porn on mainstream TV: "Spartacus: Blood and Sand" OMG Becky! #

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• In JFK Airport. 1st Class : no line at VirginAmerica, no $$ for overweight bag, no carrying my bag to conveyor, express line to security #
• Harlem to JFK: Taxi to Penn Station, LIRR to Jamaica station, AirTrain to JFK. Elapsed time: < 90 min. $30 + tip #
• There's always the chance that it will be my ex that's the flight attendant who's covering first class. Gay Russian roulette. #
• Tooooootally hot, tall muscly flight attendant in first class. All this for $150 upgrade. Who says the dollar isn't worth anything? #
• Oh, he's workin' for me. /// make him work for you! (via @richdom) #
• I'm like soooo hiiiiiigh, maaaaaan…. http://yfrog.com/33ui5p #
• Like a 3rd party WebScript maybe. /// It's a framework for writing web apps in Cocoa and Obj-C. Like a 3rd party WebObjects? (via @gruber) #
• Arrrrrrrrrrrrrmannnnndooooo. #
• I wonder how much Comcast stock Jay Leno owns? #TeamConan #
• Happy Birthday, Allen Howland. You would have been 52 today. #
• In all this Prop8 Trial stuff: it's NOT "gay marriage", it's "same-sex marriage"! #prop8trial #
• Same-sex marriage would be just as available to straight people—and just as applicable. #prop8trial #prop8 #samesexmarriage #
• #prop8trial i get the concern for "chilling effect" on witnesses that televising court cases would have but then this isn't a criminal trial #
• Come to SF and cook for me!! /// Whether it's Vaca Frita or Palomilla, Ropa Vieja or Croquetas, […]. http://bit.ly/57b0JO (via @GarudaSky) #
• Today I am getting things done done done. Re-upped at Golds Gym! I finally have time, money and health enough to work out again! #
• Squeeze-bottle Bacon! #bacon #wrong http://bit.ly/7yfdfl #
• "Obscenity" is impossible to define, but you know it when you see it: http://bit.ly/6TQwbZ #
• http://bit.ly/6TQwbZ Obama's own confidant proposes governmental "cognitive infiltration" of AMERICAN 'extremist' groups. (via @ggreenwald) #
• @drwave isn't ctrl-cmd-D (while cursor is over a word) a reassignable key combo? in reply to drwave #
• @drwave you can even release "D" while keeping the other keys down and move the cursor & popup window will show defs of words under cursor in reply to drwave #
• Watching Olivia Wilde on Rachel Maddow. She's rocking my world #Haiti #
• @drwave the dictionary keyboard magic only works in Cocoa text (CoreText)—including WebViews/Safari—but that's almost everywhere. in reply to drwave #
• It all comes to down to this, Mr Krugman: what's good for the goose… http://bit.ly/7f7eE2 #paulkrugman #JohnathanGruber #GlennGreenwald #
• @DrErnie Can Christians even agree on what it is? I grew up Catholic, where most "Christians" didn't think I qualified as a Christian. in reply to DrErnie #
• I could watch Tyron Leitso http://bit.ly/6j5SYn http://yfrog.com/3gt5xp read the phonebook. He of Wonderfalls fame. Siiigh. #
• Jon Hamm has is wearing a beard during the Golden Globes. Usually I'm facial-hair neutral, but in this case? Naaah, shave it. #
• Julianna Margulies' husband is a f*cking DOLL #goldenglobes #

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There was a guy online that was nice looking. And his information said he was a physician and he relatively recently moved to the City.

Now, I have a rather long history—professional and social—with physicians, surgeons mostly, and I have found that I have a lot of rapport with them, at least intellectually. For awhile there when I was an undergrad at Carnegie Mellon in Biological Sciences, I gave serious thought to becoming a physician myself.

I would have been a surgeon, of course. People who know me, for better or worse, who both already knew and didn’t know I was considering Medicine as a career, would see the fit.

So anyway, there were very basic pleasantries exchanged in messages and I, wanting to get out more, wanting to meet new people, wanting to stir things up a bit but above all, carrying no specific personal agenda other than what I’ve already mentioned.

And certainly the little information exchanged so far was so generic as to be approaching total fungibility.

Then I asked if he might want to meet up for a coffee or a beer. Translation: “would you like to maneuver a scenario where your person and my person might both be in the same place at the same time where we might consume caffeinated or alcoholic beverages and say hello, like people have been doing for thousands of years?”

His response, which I got the next day, which I’ll paraphrase, included that he was quite busy, which physicians generally are, save for dermatologists and radiologists typically. But then he added, which I will quote, because I just have to

for the sake of being upfront, i have a partner in boston who i am trying to move here, and, with his permission, am kinda seeing a guy here, too. just wanted to put that out there..

and not because i thought you were interested in dating me or anything, just wanted to make sure you understood where i was coming from. hope that’s cool and didnt come across weird!

JesusFuckingSkateboardingMockApplePieMadeWithRitzCrackersChrist.

He thought I’d think he was weird because he was making the assumption that I was looking to date him.

So he wanted to make sure I knew he wasn’t available because he was already seeing someone out here, but he was already partnered to someone else back East but he had permission from the partner back East to date the guy here and heaven forbid he’d “cheat” on the guy he was dating here.

Or would he be cheating on the partner back East if he met someone new over a coffee without having put a ring of emotional-unavailability orange traffic hazard cones around the event first?

I fucking hate open relationships. There’s nothing good about them. They’re houses of cards propped up by the energy they steal from people outside those relationships. They’re dysfunctional. They’re not self-sustaining like real, healthy relationships. They don’t keep themselves alive by energy put into them by the two people involved in them.

No, they’re turned outward, scavenging for emotional energy from the rest of us by each the two in the open relationship, taking more free energy and good will and high quality emotional egress from the social/cultural system than they contribute to it.

Scratch the surface of any of them and you find emotional nebbishes and flibbertigibbets who hide behind sexual braggadocio or worse, that throbbingly ugly tedium they pour forth, one hypocritical platitude after another about being sexually “enlightened” and having moved past petty jealousies and that their openness is about a bigger “trust”.

Ugh.

When none of those tacks work, tantamount to clinquant cat-toys anyway, no substance and all distraction: shiny! shiny! meant to end scrutiny, more platitudes, this time on the offensive: Who Are You To Judge!

I’m Me, that’s who. And I need no other credential. (See? Surgeon material here!)

You’re welcome to your open relationship and I’m welcome to observe. I’m welcome to recount my own history. I’m welcome to think for myself. I’m welcome to follow the paths of friends and others.

I’m welcome to remember.

And I’m welcome to use my brain to put it all together for myself and draw conclusions when the conclusions are there to be had.

I’m also welcome to change my mind.

Why? Because I dare. And because I tired of all the glozing over that small men with small souls do. So many opportunities to learn ignored and so people go on being hurt over and over. In the same ways, often by the same people. New men getting hurt by the same men.

I could say that I’m tired of waiting for things like decency and candor and trust and honor and emotional investment to come back into vogue again, but that’s only true and nothing more.

It’s not as if saying it makes it any different, hastens making it so.

I follow the notes and the blogging of the Prop 8 trial and I read the testimonies of gay and lesbian couples and I find them heartbreaking all over again. And then doubly so, because, in moments of weakness—or, moments of candor—because at least these men and women giving testimony each have a true, if not legal, husband or wife to lean on in their suffering.

And I feel like I’m surrounded largely by men who are pissed off at the Yes on 8’ers and who want same-sex marriage for no reason other than it’s something that other people have that they don’t, a playground sandbox fight over a dime0-store pail and shovel set.

Where have all the good men gone? Never mind the gods.

Time is never constant, as this past year will attest.

It seems like only a very short time ago that I was remembering Allen’s birthday and here I am again doing the same. He would have been 52 today. “Six years older than dirt” I called him one year, to which he replied absolutely without hesitation: “Hello, dirt!”

I’ll be 46 in less than three months.

Last year a fractional second of a glimpse of a tilted sidewalk in Charlotte Amalie on a travel show on television sent me reeling, bouncing off of long ago memories like so many walls in a mental maze I was just coming out of.

This year I soar above the confusion with a firm grasp on the whip of the kite and the maze is just a garden of hedges down below and the horizon is Over There and Over There and Over There and from here there is no behind me except to take this little bit of time to remember my Yog, my Allen.

The world is not how he left it. Some things are better and some are far worse. My world became less when he left it but I, merely in continuing on, have added so much, aiming for resplendence even as ugly, profligate smallness and intransigent immaturity found its way in from the outside threatening ruin.

But Jubilee is only for those who aren’t dragged down by the past, but it’s not for those who ignore or avoid it either.

We are who we were and who we are and grow to include who we’ll be and it’s that splendor that defies physics and makes us bigger on the inside than on the outside and allows us to accommodate the joyful sorrows of the past, put to rest the ignoble brutalities which victimized us and tried to steal our souls and keep us open to…well, exactly!

Birthdays bring gifts, but Allen was always a gift to me, even on his own birthday.

Even now.