I Want To Vanish—Sometimes

Sometimes, apropos of nothing—or at least of nothing tangible or identifiable—escape is the thought that pops into my head. And it’s not so much the need for flight, but the need for solitude. Sam can attest to this; all my family can. Sometimes I want the world to just leave me the fuck alone (hold your protests of irony that I speak of this in a blog).

I was thinking of this today, and in that wonderful serendipity that exists only in the Bay Area, this Elvis Costello song comes up on iTunes:

I Want To Vanish

I want to vanish
This is my fondest wish
To go where I cannot be captured
Laid on a decorated dish
Even in splendor this curious fate
Is more than I care to surrender
Now it’s too late

Whether in wonder or indecent haste
You arrange the mirrors and the spools
To snare the rare and precious jewels
That were only made of paste

If you should stumble upon my last remark
I’m crying in the wilderness
I’m trying my best to make it dark
How can I tell you I’m rarer than most
I’m certain as a lost dog
Pondering a sign post


I want to vanish
This is my last request
I’ve given you the awful truth
Now give me my rest

For all the “awful truths” I have given in this last year, for all the requests, sometimes I feel like I’m still “crying in the wilderness”.

And yes, I think I’m “rarer than most”, but we each and all possess something that makes us rarer than most in some regard. Those lacking in some kind of something I tend not to be around.

Is vanishing the same thing as escape, even if it’s not me that makes the effort to do anything but wish and want?

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