I’m beginning to think I’m an addict.
I mean, how else to explain all of this? Self-esteem hasn’t really ever been a problem for me, not really. Everyone’s insecure about one thing or another, but overall, I’ve always ended up with a net-positive outlook and self-image.
But I suppose I’m not allowed to call myself an addict. Nor am I allowed to be capricious with the word “positiveâ€, for that matter. Those are reserved for the more deserved, the ones whose trials have created a special mystique from behind which extraordinary behaviors can be exercised without compunction.
What I’ve learned is that suffering doesn’t really get you “get out of responsibility free†cards. The Universe doesn’t protect you from shit and shitheads because you’ve suffered “enoughâ€.
So maybe I’m not really an addict, and maybe I’m HIV-, but I’ve fallen prey to the notion of entitlement nonetheless. Had a lover die? Check. Lived in pain for months? Check. Been betrayed, stolen from, put at health risk by a trusted someone? Check. Check. Check.
Loved ones will tell me that after all that, I “deserve†happiness, that I “deserve†someone who will put as much energy into caring for me as I do them, that I “deserve†to be far away from the bad stuff, but the Universe doesn’t really give a flying fuck about that.
No, to be far away from the bad stuff, addict/PWA/widower notwithstanding, one must keep one’s self away from the bad stuff. Happiness is a nice idea, and a purposively elusive goal, but the trying, always trying, must never stop (thanks, Joshie).
I am known to friends and others for using sharp and harsh words. Here they’re usually wrapped up in the turbid bundles of multi-syllabic obfuscation, but they still make quite a bludgeon when propelled by the sheer force of my will.
So what happens when the unstoppable force of personality meets the immovable object of unassailable nice-guy reputation?
I suppose we may find out, but I hope not.
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The Universe does not care you, it’s true, that’s not it’s job. That’s our job, and some are falling down on it it would seem. While there are things that cannot be changed and happen without reason, there are too many other things that happen because someone out there made a choice, often a bad one. I hope things start to go better soon for you, and that other people start to take their job more seriously.
I rediscovered a favorite highschool novel recently that I think relates. Stephen Donaldson’s “The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, Unbeliever” It’s a Lord of the Rings-esque fantasy romp about a guy whisked off to a magical world where he is the reincarnation of a legandary hero come to save them from the evil Lord Foul - the Despiser. Text book fantasy trilogy stuff, the twist though is that the hero is a leper. He lives life in our world shunned by all, blamed for his disease (leper, unclean!) and constantly on the verge of despair. A person for whom suicide is as easy as a moments lapse in vigilence. The book shines for its intense exploration of the nature of hope and despair. How can you avoid despair even when you have no hope? Or to be zen about it, how can you find strength in weakness? How do you keep a part of yourself untouched by the raveges of fate? It’s a very dark book, but you might find it inspiring.
…come over to my house later. We’ll eat cookie dough and talk about who’s getting fat.
you and I are so much alike. We both have that “Daddy” thing going on. Most of my relationships have been with guys that are needy in some way. Is it an addiction, I don’t think so, but it is something built into guys like us. We like to try to fix things and make people feel better about the bad stuff they are going through. I know for me it certainly isn’t a self image problem, and it’s not to try to get someone to like me more. It just feels good to help others/partners with thier stuff. piggy=nice guy=Daddy type=wonderful friend
Sweetie, been there, done most of that, though not all. You’re no addict. You learn from your mistakes and change.
Wait, strike that. You are an addict in one way, but I don’t think Apple addiction is particularly a problem. 😛