A Note from Your Holy Faux-ther

My Children:

It is with a heavy heart that I confess the Evangelical Irony in taking an evil page from the evils homosexuals (I ask God’s Forgiveness for the redundancy) and bring the Holy See out of the closet and into our Churches—our True Churches.

I feel that in our world of questionable morals and unquestionable depravity that the Church reasserts Its Rightness and, frankly, Its Exclusivity on the Word of God. This is something we have taught since Time Immemorial (i.e., circa 0 BC/AD ± 4-6 years), but Now is the time to remind the defective, non-True-Believer so-called Christians that we Catholics are the only followers of Christ who are on His Actual Path.

I should also confess, since it’s too late to do anything about it now, somethig that we did a long long time ago in the beginnings of the Holy Church when we got our first 15 minutes of fame and the Jews—Hebrews back then—had been relegated to a small dusty population who unfairly squatted on Our Holy Land (yeah, we spun that one, too). We took Holy Action and sent in that era’s version of James-Bond-but-much-crueler-and-far-more-homophobic-than-even-I-am, Saint Paul, to do our Holy Work: We erased the Eleventh Commandment.

PopebenedictHow did we manage such a thing, you ask? Well, don’t ask—I’ll get to why you shouldn’t ask. Well, ok, I’ll tell you (I can never say no to my precocious children!). That blessedly lost commandment? Thou shalt not question. The fact that all religions with power got that power by using the Eleventh Commandment before and after us is beside the point: we invented it.

But you’re saying “Pope? Why did you hide the one thing that made you so successful?” Well, here’s the thing: it’s not that we don’t want people to question the One True God, it’s that we don’t want them to question us. Not that there’s a difference, of course, because I have God’s Holy Ear. We’re practically the Same Thing.

But suffice it to say, we did what was necessary according to the One True God’s plan for the Church, his Bride. Eliminating that entry on Moses’ tablets ushered in an era of enforced Holy Tranquility that endured for a millenium and a half until we got our Holy Asses handed to us on a Communion plate: Martin Luther, that bastard, led a rebellion. Clearly, he was going against Us, which meant going against Him. Just as clearly, therefore, it follows that everyone who followed Luther away from Us followed their happy asses away from Him.

All those bastard non-True sects cropped up like infections in the open wound where Luther cut us. This isn’t open for debate, as I am Infallible. Oh, admittedly not in all things (and boy, doesn’t that stick in my craw), but in all things ex cathedra (which is a fancy way of saying “in matters of religion”), and damned if this isn’t all about religious matters.

Ex cathedra is Latin, by the way, which is God’s One True Language. Any you better bet your Holy Buttocks we’ll get getting back there, too. Trust us. It’s better when you don’t know what we’re saying.

Yours in Christ,

Pope Beneful VI

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