Iron Man

At the risk of offending comic book nerds everywhere—oh, who am I kidding, I’m about to offend every comic book nerd out there—I just saw Iron Man and, well?

Eh.

The movie spent a third of its time expositing a comic-book-obvious character reversal, then spent another half of it documenting the trials and refinements of the suit. The suit! Not the character, the suit!

Spoilers after the break.

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It was obvious from well before it even started that “Stain” was the bad guy. How?

  • The name: Stain? C’mon. This is what passes for subtle foreshadowing in comic books. And no, I won’t call them graphic novels.
  • The prominence of the actor to portray him. No one else could be.
  • The Gay Bears, whom I’ve discovered overlap greatly with comic book nerdery, won’t become enrapt in the movie’s character and hate the republican, nationalist, corporatist bad guy—which Jeff Bridges did a great job of—but rather, in their SOP of sexualizing everything with a beard and a bald head, they’ll just think he’s a “Hot Daddy”. Then again, how do you get enrapt in the plot of a broad and predictable genre?
  • It’s a failure of direction when the Bruce Wayne is far more seductive and interesting than the Batman, and Robert Downey Jr. should have gotten a lot more face time than the Iron Man.
  • Never ever dumb down someone like Gwynneth Paltrow!
  • Never name a woman after a soup made with entrails—an Hispanic boy band yes, but not an individual, please.
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To add insult to injury, my experience at the movie cost me a lot of green: $10.00 for the ticket, $11.75 for soda and candy, and $9.00 for parking. $30.75 for one viewing of a dumb movie. I’ll never think of new-release Blu-ray disks as expensive ever again.

The new Batman trailer, featuring a lot more Joker presence, was more entertaining and intriguing in 3:00 than Iron Man was in its 90 or so minutes.

Ugh.