Ann Coulter Improves

The blogs are abuzz with Ann Coulter, that walking, talking shitstain ok, shitstain of a human being.

Poor Ann is upset that she can’t say the word “faggot” in the context of insulting and belittling and trivializing a married man with children for whom there is no indication of anything but painfully average heterosexuality.

So let’s think about this. If she’s not calling him gay, what could she possibly be up to when calling John Edwards a “faggot”? Wait. One aside: She didn’t actually say the words, ‘John Edwards is a faggot’. She was being coy—well, what she thinks is coy—by first mentioning John Edwards, then saying “it turns out that you have to go into rehab if you use the word ‘faggot’”.

Ow, my sides from laughter. Who’s writing her material, Paul Haggis?

This is what comes of a Republican trying to be snarky. Give it up, folks, just like you gave up on trying to understand irony so very long ago.

So where’s the improvement, you ask? She’s being direct instead of circumspect. How can someone that’s been such a soulless cunt for so long not have been direct all along? I’d ask you to go read some of her columns, but I don’t hate you that much. Hell, I don’t hate her enough to ask her to read her own effluvia, so you’ll have to trust me. Her typical pattern is to hang something that’s so painfully obvious out there as if she’s walking you down Hell’s Garden Path™ and then ooo! Pounce! She just nails you (ew) with the point you (and by “you” I mean, her typical learning-impaired reader) with the point of her tirade. Forgiveness for the imagery of Ann Coulter pouncing on you and nailing you.

So, that improvement. It’s in the economy of words she can expect to employ in her columns from here on forward. She just has to write “We Republicans are better than faggots, niggers, ragheads, chinks, dykes, gooks and Liberals” and she’s done with anything she’ll ever have to say again.

As a woman who espouses “family values” but has never been married nor had children and a heterosexual who’s never seen with male companionship, she’s finally out of the closet. Or at least her hate is.

The beauty of this is that hate, when exposed to the bright glare of other human beings, tends to transform itself into something else. At one end of the spectrum of possible results, the hater learns what’s wrong with the hating. At the other end, that person is destroyed.

I’ll leave it to the reader to decide which is the better fate for Ann.

I’ll also leave it to the reader to simply watch Ann in action at CPAC (and to listen for the cautiously gleeful tittering of the crowd when she says the f-word):

You realize, don’t you, that Ann doesn’t really believe John Edwards is a ‘faggot’? This is Ann desperately trying to remain topical and—cough, cough—relevant by circumspectly commenting on all the high profile anti-gay statements of late. Ann “if you can’t think of anything hateful to say, don’t say anything” Coulter always has to say something, so she shoehorned John Edwards into it. That’s really all there is to it.

We can cut her head off—she has no productive use for it—but I expect the Asian American Michelle “In Defense of Interment Camps” Malkin’s head would only grow in its place.

It’s difficult to watch anything die slowly, unless you’re Ann. Now it’s the Conservative movement that’s dying, and there’s pain and throes and writhing. It’s not easy to watch and there is no glee. But I will be happy when its destructive power is gone.

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Paul Haggis Sucks

The Black Donnellys premiered tonight on NBC.

I haven’t ever seen Million Dollar Baby, but this show clinches that I likely never ever will.

It’s official: Paul Haggis is the most overrated writer since Joe Eszterhas. Remember Showgirls? Yeah, that Eszterhas.

The other haggis:

Haggis

haggis |ˈhagis| |ˌhøgəs| |ˌhagɪs

noun ( pl. same)
a Scottish dish consisting of a sheep’s or calf’s offal mixed with suet, oatmeal, and seasoning and boiled in a bag, traditionally one made from the animal’s stomach.

I’m struggling with which haggis is actually more nauseating.

The Black Donnellys. Jesus fucking Christ what a horrible piece of shit. Did I equivocate too much there? You know us homos and our mincing, so here’s some evidence:

  • Actual voice-over lifted from the show: Salmonetta did all his business out of the same booth every day and every night for 46 years. People say he had a toilet under the table. OMG “toilet” and “did…his business”! Ow, my sides from laughter!
  • There was a moment when the “good” (hey, if Paul Haggis can telegraph plot points from a mile away, I can use scare quotes) Donnelly brother first gets sucked into his brothers’ badness. He’s chasing after a guy who escaped his brothers’ imprisonment down a DEAD END STREET. “Dead End” Sign and Everything. Bonk! Bonk! On the head! Bonk! Bonk!

I leave you with more haggis, which looks like shit. Irony.

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A Moment of Snarky, Biting Silence

Story.Vert.Ivins.Gi I saw on cnn.com just a little while ago that Molly Ivins has died.

I was introduced to Ivins’ particular brand of humor by Allen, whose death preceded Ivins’ by 12 long short years. Molly was 62. Allen was 37—I shuddered to realize how far behind me 37 is already.

These are the times, if I believed in a god, that I’d question god’s existence. What kind of mutherfucker takes Allen away, takes Molly away, and leaves the Shrub alive and in a position of unspeakable power? Moot, really, and a good thing that I don’t believe in a god.

I believed in Molly’s voice. I believed in Allen’s love. I believed in so much and still do. I mean, someone’s got to believe, deep down, in the continuance of life and love. What else is there?

Rest not in peace, Molly, but in joy and laughter. While I live, so will your legacy.

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The Missus We Missed

Let’s do an experiment. Which one is sexist and “anti-feminist” and “rhymes with witch[y]” and “vapid” and “sheerly mindless”, and which one slipped by the supposedly liberal MSM as charmingly in-character?

[She] would be a really good candidate [for president], is not interested. Probably because she is single, her parents are no longer living, she’s an only child. You need a very supportive family and supportive friends to have this job.

…and…

[Neither of us] have family members that will pay the price for this escalation. My point was to focus attention on our military families who continue to sacrifice because this Administration has not developed a political solution to the situation in Iraq.

Obviously the latter one was by Barbara Boxer. But the former? Why, none other than Mrs. “my husband tried to milk a bull” Laura Bush. Where was the so-called Liberal Media then, jumping all over her for being sexist and discriminatory towards Condoleeza Rice?

Poor cunty Andrew Sullivan thought Barbara Boxer, one of the most fervent and powerful politicians to support equal rights for gays & lesbians, to be “Vile”

That’s the only word to describe Senator Boxer’s ad feminam attack on Condi Rice yesterday. There was a trace of homophobia to the smear as well. This kind of attack is like the “chickenhawk” smear and worthy of low-life liars like Michael Moore. We really should be able to debate national security without the politics of personal destruction. The senator should apologize. Today.

Really, Andrew? REALLY? Maybe you should apologize—FINALLY, today!—for talking out your ass about gay men need to espouse monogamy and soi-disant mature behavior while your mouth was too busy parked at your favorite watering glory hole doing public service. And while you’re at it, apologize to everyone you castigated who fought for equal rights according to their own values and principles, simply because you don’t really care for “liberals”.

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Purpose-Driven Hypocrisy

All you’ll hear from rightwing bloggers is how the MSM (mainstream media to those of you who aren’t total label-dependent losers) doesn’t care about religion, about how it ignores the fact of wide-spread christianity in this country.

Riiiiight.

Yesterday on Meet The Press, Rick Warren and the Editor of Newsweek were on talking about christianity and religions for the entire show. Rick Warren got to pimp his ministries and tell the world how he’s not like the other religions.

Tonight, ABC news had a whole special on christianity in this country, citing statistics like “79% of Americans identify as Christian, 26% identify as Evangelical Christian”. 26 was never such a scary number. Then the piece went on to talk about Christian schools and teen pledges of virginity and exploring the nuances of the jesusy teeny-boppers’ concept of “messing up”. Which apparently means when a teen boy masturbates.

At least no kittens get killed.

So back to Rick Warren. I was watching him talk. He was saying all the right things. About how there’s no respect among people who disagree. About how there are more important things in the world to be accomplished than political wins. Like poverty. Like education. Like HIV & AIDS.

Right on, Brother Warren!

And he talked about how the megachurches and politico-religious have forgotten that a central tenet of their religions is this: humility.

Can I really be hearing this? Is this the beginning of a new era of civil disagreement? Where everyone begins by respecting the basic humanity of one another while even vehemently disagreeing? Where not everyone walks in with the Correct Way to do things, without a socio-political Not Invented Here Syndrome? With—dare I say it—humility?

Off to Google. “Rick Warren”. “Saddleback Church”. “Purpose Driven”.

What did I find? I found Kay Warren, Rick’s wife, ministering to the sick:

“I’m here to tell you there is hope because the Church of Jesus Christ is getting up, and when the Church of Jesus Christ gets up, things happen,” Gataha said. “When the Church is getting up, HIV/AIDS will sit down.”<br/> “If we don’t do something, who will? If we don’t show God’s love, who will? If we don’t show up, who will?”

Ummm, ‘who will?’ How about the rest of us who have been trying to do and actually doing things for over twenty years, you stupid bitch? How about those who have been struggling to get people help, get prevention education in place, and all the while having to fight people like you who stopped us at every turn, who went on claiming that the wages of sin were death?

For someone who opts into a book of popular mythology which goes back over most of recorded history, you sure don’t have a sense of the past, lady.

As if you thought her “humility” wasn’t suffering enough already, she goes on:

Now she’s leading Saddleback’s HIV/AIDS Initiative and encouraging other churches to start their own HIV/AIDS ministries. “The goal I see is to end HIV,” she said. “Humanly speaking, it’s impossible. When God enters the problem, suddenly things become possible.”

Ahh, so she does have a sense of history after all. She acknowledges that others have been trying to save peoples’ lives. But where have our efforts fallen short? We haven’t left it up to God to fix.

Well, how about that.

So let’s think about all this “humility” floating around. These are like the cavalry, letting everyone else fight the good fight and coming in, refreshed and ready and loving the smell of abstinence in the morning, to save the day.

Not only that, but apparently, HIV is a blessing for Christians:

HIV/AIDS gives the Church the chance to do what it has been called to do – to love other people and to love God, [Robert Redfield] said.<br/>

•••

Sam Brownback, a senator from Kansas, said that American Christians have been given much and must use those gifts to help people who are suffering. “If we’ll just give them the crumbs off our table, they can live and we can save our souls,” he said.

So there we have it. They do for their own rewards, offering the rest of us their crumbs, so they can sleep at night.

I write this while watching Saturday Night Fever on Cinemax. Tony Manero just said something relevant:

“Everybody’s gotta have somebody to dump on.”

Well, how about that. Maybe that’s the true anti-gay agenda. They just need someone to dump on.

And what, then, is humility? Humility is this: I welcome all their true efforts to end HIV and AIDS irrespective of their motives if it means life for more people. Not only do I welcome their help, I am begging their help, begging everyone’s help. I miss Allen each and every day. I would do anything to have him back, including selling my soul so that Sam Brownback will give us those precious, supposedly life-saving crumbs from his table.

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So What Happens Now?

So Mary Cheney is pregnant. Done deal.

From a progressivist standpoint, she’s chosen to have the baby, but her choice wasn’t one based on anguish or even desperation. She chose before she got pregnant. It’s obviously a bit more difficult than an accidental unprotected cock clasped in vagina for a gay couple to become pregnant. They discuss the idea, do whatever level of math on it that they’re comfortable with, and take steps to make it happen. It’s quite Pro-Life, actually, to decide in favor of bringing a new life into the world. So yes, from a progressivist standpoint, she will have the baby.

From a neocon standpont, she’s stillllll pregnant! Only we all know ahead of time what kind of family the child will be born into. We know that the baby won’t have a one-mother, one-father environment. We know, as neocons, that he or she will be under the influence of the Gay Agenda. We know, as neocons, that the one-man-one-woman context is better than any kind of environment a gay couple—simply because they’re gay—could ever provide. We also know that we’d never “murder an unborn baby” because it’s wrong…meaning, we know, from a neocon standpoint, she will have the baby.

Progressives—at least the ones who put humanity before politics—are happy that the child will have loving parents who will provide a stable home. The same subset of progressives—among which I fancy myself to be included—breathed a huge sigh of relief when the more famous set of the the child’s presumptive grandparents announced how happy they were to be welcoming a grandchild.

We know that not all is well for the neocons. Janice “Vulvamatic” Crouse called the situation “unconscionable” and Carrie Gordon “Sugar Tits” Earll insisted that “Love can’t replace a mother and a father.”

So why haven’t the Crouses and Earlls of the world come forth to proactively be “prolife” and try to remove the baby from the custody of the two big dykes? I mean, if they want to live according to their principles, they should be fighting to remove the child once it’s born from the clutches of the obviously inferior parentage and into a foster home that has a one-man, one-woman configuration. Those neocons less interested in the christianist side of the argument should be encouraging Mary to abort.

If they don’t, they’re just talking out their nethermouths and should shut the fuck up—but not before admitting their hatefulness and apologizing to Mary and Heather.

There’s no way to directly contact Mrs. Crouse, but you can email her work to see how she intends to correct Mary Cheney’s unconscionable act. As for Butter Nipples Earll, well, there’s a less indirect route, but still not so satisfying as it could be. But then again, you’ll be emailing someone who’s probably never been truly satisfied in her own lifetime.

Maybe we should leave it up to that self-satisfied, never-satisfied screeder, Bill O’Reilly? From Salon.com:

the December 13 edition of Fox News’ The O’Reilly Factor, Bill O’Reilly dismissed scientific research on same-sex parenting to assert that “[n]ature dictates that a dad and a mom is the optimum” form of child-rearing. O’Reilly asked “why,” if children suffer no psychosocial deficit from being raised by same-sex parents, “wouldn’t nature then make it that anybody could get pregnant by eating a cupcake?” O’Reilly declared that by arguing in favor of same-sex couples’ right to raise children, “you’re taking Mother Nature and you’re throwing it right out the window, and I just think it’s crazy.”

Bill must have had some really good cupcakes in his day.

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Fat-ass-assinate Castro!

It’s official. The Republicans in Congress have adopted a “Scorched Earth Policy”. They’re going to be petty and take cheap shots and give meaningless busy work—some might call that business-as-usual—to the incoming Democratic-led Congress.

Take Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, R-Florida (Please!), for instance. Here’s a person who claims to be honored to be part of the federal government of a country which ostensibly espouses “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”. Now, maybe she’s been getting a lot of backchatter from other Republicans as being a softie and a nothing because she has:

  • a hyphenated last name
  • a Jewish last name
  • a vagina

But even that doesn’t excuse a person in her station of calling for the assassination of a foreign leader:

That is one classy ass(assination).

Then again, maybe I am at fault for thinking that Mel Gibson Michael Richards her Republican colleagues are racist and Pat Buchanan Rush Limbaugh sexist and should cut her a break.

Maybe she’s calling for an assassination of the Castro, the world’s capital of Ass-Ass Nation. Sure, killing’s a step up from quarantining and illegalizing, but it’s really just a difference of degree.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I may have been wrong. My bad.

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Andrew Sullivan

Died-in-the-scapular Catholic Buttboy Andrew Sullivan states:

Language is the first victim of an attempt to insist on ideology over reality. Orwell memorably described this. Here’s an update.

Tax “relief”. Repealment of “death tax”. “Trickle down economics.” The Kirkpatrick Doctrine.

Andrew’s ideologies really shine like the bright light of a Spring Day. Andrew’s nights, however, are spent riding his demagogic horse bareback. Either way, truth suffers from too much analysis.

If he agrees with Orwell, why does he write as if capricious use of language is a victimless crime?

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Bush’s View of Murder

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well that’s — killers taking innocent life is, in some cases, sectarian. I happen to view it as criminal, as well as sectarian. I think any time you murder somebody, you’re a criminal. And I believe a just society and a society of — that holds people to account and believes in rule of law protects innocent people from murderers, no matter what their political party is.

That’s from a White House Press Release

So I’m going to go ahead and assume that President Bush believes that the 100,000+ Iraqi civilians killed by the United States over the past few years are all guilty as Christian Sin.

Or, he’s saying that America is not a Just Society.

Neocons out there want you to believe that there’s a Good and an Evil. No nuance. No subtlety. No context. Yet watch them provide context for this, and then carefully and irresponsibly substitute Bush’s vagueness for subtlety and nuance.

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