Pat’s Milkshake is Better Than Yours

Pat Robertson has a Jesus- age defying shake available here. It’s just too fucking weird.

Did you know that if you replace “milkshake” with “Jesus”, you mostly end up with a song about Pat Robertson and his Church Empire 700 Club? No, it’s true! Here:

[Repeat x2]<br/> My milkshake Jesus brings all the boys to the yard,<br/> And they’re like<br/> It’s better than yours,<br/> Damn right it’s better than yours,<br/> I can teach you, <br/> But I have to charge<br/> <br/> I know you want it, <br/> The thing that makes me, <br/> What the guys go crazy for.<br/> They lose their minds, <br/> The way I wind,<br/> I think it’s time<br/> <br/> [Chorus x2]<br/> La la-la la la,<br/> Warm it up.<br/> Lala-lalala,<br/> The boys are waiting<br/> <br/> My milkshake Jesus brings all the boys to the yard,<br/> And they’re like<br/> It’s better than yours,<br/> Damn right it’s better than yours, <br/> I can teach you, <br/> But I have to charge<br/> <br/> I can see you’re on it,<br/> You want me to teach thee<br/> Techniques that freaks these boys,<br/> It can’t be bought,<br/> Just know, thieves get caught,<br/> Watch if your smart,<br/> <br/> [Chorus x2]<br/> La la-la la la,<br/> Warm it up,<br/> La la-la la la,<br/> The boys are waiting,<br/> <br/> My milkshake Jesus brings all the boys to the yard,<br/> And their like<br/> It’s better than yours,<br/> Damn right it’s better than yours, <br/> I can teach you, <br/> But I have to charge<br/> <br/> Oh, once you get involved,<br/> Everyone will look this way-so,<br/> You must maintain your charm,<br/> Same time maintain your halo,<br/> Just get the perfect blend,<br/> Plus what you have within,<br/> Then next his eyes are squint,<br/> Then he’s picked up your scent,<br/> <br/> [Chorus x2]<br/> Lala-lalala,<br/> Warm it up,<br/> Lala-lalala,<br/> The boys are waiting,<br/> <br/> My milkshake Jesus brings all the boys to the yard,<br/> And their like<br/> It’s better than yours,<br/> Damn right it’s better than yours, <br/> I can teach you, <br/> But I have to charge

Isn’t that utterly, utterly creepy? However, it does explain a LOT.

Nod to skittles for the original link.

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The Good and Decent Right

It’s a strange tack to take, not only pigeonholing the infinite, but then having the audacity to speak on behalf of His Holy Infinity, but Pat Roberts has managed to do just that. Again.

Now, before I launch into this, I should put Pat in some perspective. He’s not the only Christian who does this sort of thing. Many other Christians climb their bully pulpits every Sunday and remind their fellow Christians that heathens and the profane should fear the Christians. Not only fear the Wrath of God, but fear, in earthly and malevolent ways, Christians.

And to also be fair, there are an enormous number of Christians, who, despite the hubris and pomposity of claiming to know their Creator’s wishes in the first place, are really rather decent, mild, meek, helpful people.

But these days, those people remain silent. Perhaps they’ve bought into being afraid of not toeing the Christian party line, too?

So Pat Robertson, the sore loser (at least ideologically) in Dover, PA, not only tells the fine, smart folks of Dover, PA—who rightly punished those who wanted to suborn science by removing them from power—that they’ve turned from God (hey, I thought “Intelligent Design” wasn’t about God!), but that God has turned from them:

I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city…And don’t wonder why He hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that’s the case, don’t ask for His help because he might not be there.

Well! How about that, Dover? You’re up shit’s creek without a Deity.

<sarcasm>And then there’s my good buddy, Bill O’Reilly</sarcasm>.

So miffed was he over Prop I, or rather, miffed over the fact that we San Franciscans approved Prop I, that he’s handing us over to the terrorists. It takes him just a little bit of time to get there. First he leads with what each and every one of us who voted in favor of Prop I knew could be the consequences:

You know, if I’m the president of the United States, I walk right into Union Square, I set up my little presidential podium and I say, “Listen, citizens of San Francisco, if you vote against military recruiting, you’re not going to get another nickel in federal funds.”

That’s how our government forces schools to permit military recruiters: by paying them to do so, or at least threatening to starve them of funding if they don’t. I suppose patriotism and sense of duty should be the driving factors, but, whatever.

But then he becomes his usual insane self. You can almost hear the wheels fall off the wagon of his sanity:

Fine. You want to be your own country? Go right ahead…And if al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we’re not going to do anything about it. We’re going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead.

Didn’t he just commit an act of treason? And more to the point, isn’t he going to get stretchmarks? All this from the man who wants his values pushed in schools and will do anything, no matter how unsavory, to make that happen, ranting at a bunch of people who want their values reflected in schools and actually go through a constitutionally-approved, let-the-voters-decide procedure to make that happen? Why, Bill, one might think you’re a hypocrite, if you’re not careful.

So Pat Robertson hands Dover, PA over to the forces of Hell, and Bill O’Reilly encourages terrorists to blow up San Francisco.

Where are the hoody’s and the Vigilante Papists and the Aquinas-brown-nosers and the teen-age martinet-marionettes railing about God’s love and how these people should be punished for their moral relativism? Probably we’ll hear apologies, excuses, rationalizations, because clearly sacrificing people for their own agenda is more important than the pro-life agenda itself.

Watch, world. Watch how the theocrats decry nothing.

You didn’t hear it here first.

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A Propped Up Guv

The huge corporations Republicans One-Terminator has pushed for this expensive special election, putting any number of propositions on the ballot to further entrench big businesses, take away money from schools and actually attempt to create activist judges in state politics.

Isn’t it strange that he spends so much time and money putting things in front of the people to know what they are thinking, but vetoes without a second thought, the legislature-approved same-sex marriage bill based on five year old data? Why didn’t he put it on the ballot this year, during the special election, so he—a true man of the American people—could find out what the people thought?

He figures that most liberals will not bother voting, but I saw in the paper this morning that voter turnout is expected to be nearly 7 million. I’m going to be sure to get out and vote down some of these heinous things. I love how the Republicans accuse the liberals of social engineering, then crap out things like Prop 73. Stupid, duplicitous assholes.

So get your ass out and vote! Don’t let them win because decent people did nothing to stop them.

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Never mind Iraq my low approval numbers Scooter Libby KKKarl Rove Scalito Harriet “Quag” Miers that I’m a moron Fitzmas day the man behind the curtain [ibid. Rove], says our feckless leader, George W. (where dubya is the long form of ‘duh’) Bush, we have a freakin’ pandemic! to worry about!

Well, ok, we don’t actually have a pandemic yet, but gull durn it, we will! And after all, the Republicans have an amazing track record on paying attention to the science of epidemiology, population mechanics and the like. Right? Riiiiiight? (is this thing on?)

The idea of being ready for a flu outbreak is a terrific idea, don’t get me wrong. But I have trouble believing President Bush on this one, because he’s being alarmist at the same time. I mean, it makes a certain amount of sense that if the smoking gun of a viral outbreak is found, then in some sense it’s already “too late”. Wait. No. Mushroom cloud. Too Late. Smoking Gun. Prettybirdprettybird!


So he keeps using the word “pandemic”, which actually means:

<br/> pan•dem•ic<br/> adjective<br/> (of a disease) prevalent over a whole country or the world.
an outbreak of such a disease.

Whereas “epidemic” means:

noun<br/> a widespread occurrence of an infectious disease in a community at a particular time : a flu epidemic.<br/> • a disease occurring in such a way.<br/> • a sudden, widespread occurrence of a particular undesirable phenomenon : an epidemic of violent crime.<br/>

The built-in in Mac OS X Tiger (10.4)—which I believe uses these sources, even goes so far, in notes for the definition of “epidemic”, to make the distinction among “pandemic”, “epidemic” and “endemic”:

<br/> USAGE A disease that quickly and severely affects a large number of people and then subsides is an epidemic: throughout the Middle Ages, successive epidemics of the plague killed millions. Epidemic is also used as an adjective: | she studied the causes of epidemic cholera. A disease that is continually present in an area and affects a relatively small number of people is endemic: malaria is endemic in (or | to ) | hot, moist climates. A pandemic is a widespread epidemic that may affect entire continents or even the world: | the pandemic of 1918 ushered in a period of frequent epidemics of gradually diminishing severity. Thus, from an epidemiologist’s point of view, the Black Death in Europe and AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa are pandemics rather than epidemics.

And so I have to wonder why the President would use pandemic when clearly it isn’t even an epidemic yet? Did he feel the need to politically elevate a potential epidemic to a full epidemic to a full pandemic?


“A pandemic is a lot like a forest fire,” Bush said. “If caught early, it might be extinguished with limited damage; if allowed to smolder undetected, it can grow to an inferno that spreads quickly beyond our ability to control it.”


Forgiving for a moment the alarmist misuse of the word, why aren’t the Reagan asskissers out there taking Bush to task for insulting the former President’s public health policies?

It all reminds me of a Peanuts cartoon, where Linus overhears Lucy telling someone that “Indian Summer” was a ruse created by Native Americans to lull the pilgrims into a false sense of complacency. Linus, tongue out, can only say, “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Is that what you’re doing to the pilgrims, Mr. Bush?

Don’t get me wrong, I think something like this should be in place. But I also think it should be motivated by people wanting to protect other people, gunning for the ounce of prevention instead of the pound of cure. But this isn’t that. This is grandstanding and panic-inducing. This is the same tactic he used to get us into a war. This is motivating by Bush imploding.

When are the pilgrims going to realize he just doesn’t care about anything but himself? More to the point, that he can and will climb over the backs of any American to get the brass ring for himself?


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Dear Arnold…

You came to this country to show off ornanamental muscles. Style over substance, form over function. Aesthetics over athletics.

Like the cuckoo among nobler, more honest birds, you deceived your way into place. You hooked yourself into the glam slam no-work no-talent ironic celebrity and milked and bilked millions to make your own millions.

Like the cuckoo, you did no real work yourself—you tricked others into building your future for you. And counting on the baser instincts of the mob mentality, you took your recognizability and co-opted yourself an executive position. Still on no-talent. Still with no-work. Still by subverting someone else’s machinery.

You, the man who got so much on so little, you who came to this country as an alien but were welcome and were lavished with abundance, see fit to pass the buck, pass the responsibility of fairness, of balance, of equality, back off to the mob of people out there who stab and swipe at fear with their torches and their pitchforks.

But then again, you haven’t vetoed such profoundly, humanly important legislation yet, so you may yet do the right thing. Such an in-kind act on your part may open up a bright world for yourself and the rest of us.

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Too Much Credit

I hear lines like, “It flies in the the face of natural selection (any hereditary gene for homosexuality would have selected itself out many generations ago). Therefore I ask again, where is the SCIENCE that supports homosexuality?”


Maybe I should start a little series of lessons to let these ignorant-yet-bellicose folks in on science’s dirty little secrets?

Til then, don’t give them too much credit, folks. Don’t assume that they’ve taken basic science plowshares and perverted them into swords of christian kindness. No, they don’t even know where to find the plowshares in the first place.

It gets worse, though. They won’t actually go look up what ‘natural selection’ might be, in fact, instead pushing the legwork onto those of us under the onslaught of this kind of stupidity. Ironically, they know there are those who old fact and scientific truth on a bit of a pedestal, so they exploit our care and rigor to keep us busy while they just continue to blather utter nonsense.

Last time I checked, one typically challenged what they knew to be incorrect, not what they didn’t bother to understand in the first place.

I guess they figure, if it works for secular conservatives, why not us?

Wait…did I just say “secular conservatives”? Are there any left?

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And a Fine ‘Fuck You’ to Ann Coulter!

Praying works!

yes, she's a cuntI prayed for Tucson in my day, because I was told to by a billboard. Prayed that Tucson—or at least the rest of Arizona—would trade in the stick for a carrot (carrots, at the minimum, are more soft-tissue-friendly!) and stop turning the entire state into one giant prison for all sinners criminals great and small.

Well, I haven’t gotten that wish yet, but small steps, right? What I have gotten is this:

From the Arizona Daily Star in Tucson:

Finally, we’ve decided that syndicated columnist Ann Coulter has worn out her welcome. Many readers find her shrill, bombastic and mean-spirited. And those are the words used by readers who identified themselves as conservatives.

Now, it turns out that she’s being replaced by one of the martinets fuckheads Murdoch’s chattel “journalists” of FOXNews, Tony Snow, but…small steps, right?

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Pro-Life Pat Robertson

Nods to him for the pointer on this one.

Seems the Pro-Life Pat Robertson is calling for the assassination of another human being.

Think the “@%#$@#$% liberal media” is at it again, making trouble for a humble man of god? Think again. The New York Times starts off its article with this line:

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson has suggested that American agents assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to stop his country from becoming “a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism.”

“Suggests!” you say! Clearly it’s a witch-hunt! Well, it might be, if the Times hadn’t quoted Robertson directly, just three paragraphs later:

“We don’t need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator,” he [Pat Robertson] continued. “It’s a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with.”

So where’s the moral outrage from those self-appointed absolutists? Catholic brown-nosers? Little Calvinists in Papist clothing?

Maybe the Catholics are too busy dissecting the threat of—wait for it—hand-holding during Mass!—to be bothered with calling out murder-threats made by one of their god-ridden own.

But, I suppose, there’s too much political loss associated with in-fighting to be bothered with things like a call for murder.

Speak up, folks. Tell us how Pro-Life you are, and what you’re going to do, quite publically, to defend that stance.

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